This week has been a little low key here in Champainge. Classes have actually started to kick into gear and it has set in that this place is not a never-ending orgy of money, fame, and drinking. But we still had a good time.
On Tuesday the guys and I went out to one of the local hot spots for a thing called wine night. I guess on this special night at the Clyborne, all the bottles of wine are 9 dollars. This is cheap especially because this is only about 6.50 euro! What a deal!
Thursdays are the big night in champaigne each and every week. All of the students are almost done with class (Some who are studying for business degrees don’t even have class on Friday) and want to celebrate by partying. This Thursday we decided to go to Brothers, but when we got there, the line was all the way down the street. Miller and I were with Jake Rhode, Kyle Goethalls and Alex Ostott and none of us wanted to wait in the cold, so we went to a place called Geovanti’s. This place is a restaurant upstairs and a bar downstairs and is great because most people don’t know about the bar.
There was a great local band playing live music called Draft Week and all the guys when crazy for them, especially the very untalented bassist. Draft Week did, however, play some great cover songs like Bruce Springsteen, Four seasons, Katy Perry, and Blink 182. The highlight of the night was when they wanted to play Third Eye Blind’s Semi-Charmed Life but didn’t know the words. Luckily for them Kyle and I were there to offer up our vocal services to them. They agreed and I was lead vocals while Kyle rocked the backup vocals. It was the greatest moment longer than one minute in my life. We really nailed the song and even the people who we didn’t know said we were awesome.
Now to the main point of the story: Girls with Crazy eyes. These are girls who lock-in, girls who search and destroy, girls who refuse to give up, and girls who act without any sense of logic. Now I know if you’re a guy, you have at least one girl in your mind that has crazy eyes, and if you’re a girl, you question the existence of such things. Let me be the one to tell you, they exist and they are sneaky. On Wednesday night, Kyle Goethals, John Parker Colin Cuzman and I experience firsthand the sneaky traps of a woman of this caliber when we met a girl from Kyle’s class.
The first sign of a crazy girl is right at the point you see her, she will immediately scream and say how she has been looking for you all night and is soo happy to see you. You may think you were the one guy she wanted to see but she has told that to at least five other guys by now. If this happens to you do not panic, you still have plenty of time to escape but whatever you do, do not fall for the next move the guilt trip drink. This is her attempt to get drunker for free and get you drunk enough to slip fully into her grasp. It’s a bad move for that reason and the fact that it will cost you money.
Next is the fatal move, the clench. Once this happens you know that as a male you’re in deep trouble and you are going to need some help to get out of this jam. The clench can come in many forms, but is most commonly a hand clench (not a nice gentle hold like normal girls but a deathly grip that makes you wonder if she is giving birth), arm grab (you may think she’s grabbing your huge but she’s reeling you in) or a belt grab (this is the most obvious and dangerous grasp). At this point, most people are going to try to escape and put some distance between them and the crazy. Whatever you do, do not say you’re going to the bathroom. This is the most obvious ditch attempt and she will know what you are up to immediately. This is visible in many situations where guys have actually had to go to the bathroom, gone, waited in line, and come out only to find their wonderful lady waiting for them outside asking why you tried to ditch her. Logic is out the door especially if she’s drunk and she will almost certainly start to cry.
Once the tears start to flow, any man is a goner. She is guilt tripping you right into your bed. Do not offer to walk her home, just immediately walk away. Tell her you have a girlfriend. Tell her you have class in the morning. Tell her you have class now. Tell her you have diarrhea. Anything. If you decide to bring her back your life will be ruined. She will assume you’re dating and tell everyone she knows and once you tell people you two are not together, she will make up terrible rumors about you and convince everyone you raped her….. Well maybe that’s a bit unrealistic but still be careful.
In the end we all made it out alive and the girl from Kyle’s class was sent home empty handed. We had a great week and I can’t wait for some more great times.
Remember, when you die you will not go to heaven, you’ll go to Champaign, Illinois.
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